Gluesticks

if u fink u had a bad day..........?

>All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless hair >removal -the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the >EpilStop, and now, "The Wax". > >My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from >work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had >the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple >hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. > >I set up my boy with a video and headed to the site of my demise, um, >I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump >of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them >apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically >rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no >fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but >I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. >You'd think. > >So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each >other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and >soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair >dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, >how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my >thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best >feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal >no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and >smooth skin extraordinaire! > >With my next wax strip, I move north. > >After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming >one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom >for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and >place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply >the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the >right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right >butt cheek.(Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace >myself. > >RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh >crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. > >Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do >I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see >my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want >to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the >wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on >it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the >strip? > >Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I >see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am >touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" >And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The >Tar Baby." > >I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that >is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big >mistake - up until this point, yo u'll remember, I've had my foot on >the toilet. > >I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the >floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. > >Vagina? Sealed shut. > >Butt? Sealed shut. > >A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to sh *t >anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the >bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. > >Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand >and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? >Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to >torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. > >Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is >having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. > >In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. >So now I'm stuck to the tub. > >I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so >surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. >It's never good to start a conversation with "So my butt and naughty >bits are stuck to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. She does her >best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is >on the butt - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She >isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. > >I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the >number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for >where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help >line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed >shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for >everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the >internet if you tell them the truth. > >While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the >wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies >than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water >and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! > >In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to >other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the >lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start >screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations >from C and we hang up. > >I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, the hair >is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by >that point anyway. > >And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. > >Never know when a moustache might start to come in. > >Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

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